It's Not Your Year and That's Okay!

You would not believe how many times I've erased the start of this blog since this past weekend. Over and over again trying to hold back so many tears and feelings of failure. This school year I had such high expectations for myself as a 2nd year 4th grade teacher and basketball coach. I had so many things planned and so many new ideas I wanted to bring to school and my class but having to be on bedrest the weeks prior to the start really hindered me from doing any of that. Not being able to start out the school year with my newest class took a huge emotional toll on me alongside the traumatic events that happened during the birth of my son. Stetson's birth was so traumatizing and terrifying that I was constantly worried. Being at his bedside every single morning and witnessing all his ups and downs were scary and mentally draining. It was clearly evident to my family that I was not okay. We talked daily about the change that happened to our family dynamic and the best course of action for myself as a human being. I allowed myself time to prepare physically to return back to school until I knew I was well enough to complete my daily duties. Thinking back, physically- I knew I could handle it; Mentally I thought I needed to return in order to get back to a "normal" routine along with getting my mind off of the unpredictable situation we were placed in; however, I came to realize that our situation was all but "normal".

Last Friday, I cleaned out my 4th grade classroom in tears! I said bye to my students I had just met 3 weeks prior, my middle school basketball girls, my last year students and teacher friends. I put my mental health and family first for the very first time in a long time. The day I returned to school, I knew I had made a decision that was not fully thought out. I told myself that going back would be best for me. Was I completely miserable returning? Absolutely NOT! Although my first day back was chaotic, to say the least, it was also very rewarding. I was able to go back to school with my 2nd born and watch him enter his 2nd grade classroom. I was able to see so many smiles on student's faces at every grade level and was bombarded with so many warm welcomes and hugs. I tried my best, the days following, to go in with such positivity and excitement which I know I managed to accomplish as a student of mine asked me one morning, "Why are you always so happy and joyful?" I smiled and my reply was, "Because I'm alive!" In all reality, I wanted to explain that if I don't force myself to be joyful and bright that I would be crying hysterically daily and I wouldn't be able to function as I should. Now don't get me wrong, I am so blessed and grateful for the life I live and everyone that has came in and out of my life- family, strangers, and students. And although I put on such a brave and ecstatic face during school hours, I was still so extremely worried about Stetson. I knew he was in the best care while I wasn't close but just the thought of him having his downs and me not knowing about even the smallest of changes worried me so much.

During the time I returned to work, Stetson's health was very much not on the upward path like we had hoped. He started losing massive grams of weight and having more monitor activity than he had in a while even though still with the breathing tube inserted. Even though I made sure to visit with Stetson at Children's Hospital after school, I would not hold him during the week nor even put a hand on him for the most part. One day, after school, I entered his NICU room and noticed he was not in a good place. I was staring at him for what felt like hours to figure out what was going on. During the weeks of my return to work, I noticed Stetson had many new nurse faces around him- those that I had never met and may have never met him. I never doubted their ability to care for our son as the entire staff we have been around has been outstanding, but I still felt so anxious. When this new nurse entered his room to introduce herself, I told her that I felt as though he looked a bit pale in skin color. She ensured me that she would let the nurse practitioner know. The next day was very similar; however, they were montoring him closely. Thankfully afterwards, he had one of his primary nurses with him and she even noticed his color change. She ordered a blood test to check his blood cells and was able to determine that he in fact needed another blood transfusion. They, during the work week, made some additional changes to him as he was not tolerating his BIPAP machine mask. They called me mid class and informed me that Stetson would be moved from his face mask for oxygen to the nose canula. Now that worried me that whole day until I was able to visit with him, but he has done amazing with it ever since. Stetson now is able to have the top popped off of his incubator, is able to wear clothes and started gaining his weight back to where this Monday he officially hit 3 and a half pounds!

Missing these changes because of being stuck at school really helped make my decision to step down. But most importantly, I had to think about many other things like illnesses that go around school, especially during this time of year. I was terrified to hold Stetson during the school week because I was so worried of taking something to him or any of the sweet little babes in the NICU. I also struggled so much with finding a balance to ensure each child of mine was given equal attention and the time of my presence. This decision was not one taken lightly or easy. Friday I was a total mess! All day I wondered if the decision I had made was a good one. I knew I was made for teaching and to walk away from it hurt me deeply. I thought this was the year I would continue my education to get my teaching license and really make such an impact within my community. Once I left the area of my school, I felt such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and then once I got home- I finally realized that this just wasn't my year and that was OKAY! Things happened the way they should and God put me in this predicament for a reason. Now me stepping down from teaching may not be a forever thing, but it's a thing that was best for myself and my family for the foreseeable future.

If you are in a similar situation or a situation that forces you to make hard decisions you never thought you'd have to make- just know that it's okay to not follow your plan. It's okay that this year is not yours. It's okay to step down and focus on you. Listen to yourself mentally and give yourself grace. In all God's glory, there will be many more years to do what you are meant to do- there is never a timeline you must follow, let it be done on your timing that God gives you.

Here's to still loving my 4th grade besties but making decisions to put my family first. <3

-TheHotMessBrunette